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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.